How do you define the "best sex ever"?

Ltry to think back on the best, or even worst, sex advice I’ve ever received. I flip through my memories like an overstuffed Rolodex, but each card I pull is blank. There are no names, no numbers, no recollections of anyone ever giving me any advice about sex.
Growing up, I knew sex meant you could get pregnant and that was scary. I knew sex meant you could catch itchy, red, or even deathly diseases, which was also scary. I knew that sex was something people wanted from me and were willing to hurt me to try to get, which was something so far beyond the realm of scary that I did everything I could to be invisible so that it would stop, although it never did. The consequences of being sexual and having sex were the only aspects of sex that were ever brought up to me. No one ever told me pleasure, self-exploration, and orgasms could be outcomes too, and no one ever told me I could give all of these things to myself.
Growing up, sex meant a penis belonging to a man being inserted into a vagina belonging to a woman. Sex was over when the penis was dispensed of the lumpy yellow-gray fluid that lived inside it, like a hand pumping soap in an effort to clean itself, except, as a woman, you were never clean after sex — you were dirty and dispensable.
Sex was what people who loved each other did, and sex was what people who didn’t love each other did behind each other’s backs. Sex was sin, and sex was salvation. Sex was what men wanted, and the ability to give them what they wanted was the only power women had over men. Sex always confused me.
The pink-spined magazines my friends read after school were filled with endless articles about oral techniques and how to act on a first date, but where were the pieces instructing men to kiss our thighs and communicate? Our youths were relegated to summers-long rituals of hair masks and being hungry so that boys would think we were pretty, while our anxieties exclusively centered around how to pleasure their bodies and fulfill their desires, never once thinking that maybe we deserved to feel good too. I cried the first time I touched myself, and all the times after. I thought there must be something horribly perverted about me, something wrong with me, if I could make myself feel so good. I was ashamed of my own pleasure, and although I can identify them now, those feelings still exist within me.

Growing up, sex was exclusively centered around the penis: Gay men had sex, gay women had something akin to arts and crafts. Anyone else doing anything else didn’t exist, except in pornos or in foreplay — which never counted, of course, because that wasn’t sex. It isn’t until recently that I understood that what we were taught has everything to do with the way religion interprets biology. The penis sends its soldiers off to deliverance inside the womb, and without that, babies can’t be made — which, according to the old books, is the only reason to have sex anyway. Any pleasure a woman derives is irrelevant to baby-making — all one really needs is the hole in which to be injected. A man must be pleasured enough to make him explode inside a woman, and that became what sex is.
When I was 21, I fell in love with a woman. I was living out of the country, and couldn’t fathom “losing my virginity” (I’ll tell you right now that this is a made-up concept, and one we’ll eventually unpack) to a woman before I had slept with a man. The week I moved back to the States, I had sex with my high school boyfriend, so that I could finally get “sex” out of the way. While I was, for the first time, truly peeling back and exploring the layers of my identity and desires, I ended up stuck at the misnomered basics.
Even today, I don’t have very much “sex,” and not just for someone whose career has been primarily centered around sex. In the last year, I’ve had a penis in my vagina approximately twice — the most recent a few weeks ago, for which I got a yeast infection right after, like an uncomfortably itchy prize.
Sex, as society defines it, is constructed, just like everything else, and so it can be deconstructed. There are many people who don’t have sex — not because they can’t get laid, but because they don’t have a desire to. There are many people who never involve a penis in their sex, and there are those that involve multiple penises. There are sex scenarios where a partner is tied up, flogged, released — and a penis is never touched. There are ways to explore sexual intimacy and desire without having ever even met another — chat rooms, sexting, or playing out a fantasy in one’s mind.
Does sex equal genitalia, or does sex equal pleasure? And what if you want pain with your sex, or you really don’t want pain, but that’s what you experience when you have sex? What is sex?
In this column, I’m not going to answer questions with tips and tricks on how to find your G-spot, the best tongue techniques, or which positions you have to “master” next, because there endless answers to these questions from all perspectives on the internet — not to mention professional sex workers you can work with — and you don’t need me for that. I’m here to deconstruct all the trash that we were brainwashed with, and dance with you on the edge — whatever that edge is for you, because it’s different for everyone. I’m here to explore with you, ask questions with you, and remind you to look in the mirror and hold yourself accountable to the types of intimacy and relationships you want — and I promise none of these things have to do with how deep you can stick anything down your throat (although it’s also totally cool if that’s what you’re interested in learning).

The best sex ever has nothing at all to do with flexible positions, looking a certain way, or how loudly you moan — good sex has to do with communication, trust and feeling safe to explore. It’s about being able to say what you feel and what you want, knowing that your boundaries will be respected, and being open to going places you’ve never been before because you know you’ll be OK. Amazing sex has to do with everyone involved feeling seen, respected and prioritized.
This space, along with having the best sex ever, is for all genders, all expressions, and all identities, and I will do my best to hold space for anyone that wishes to enter it. Our identities play such a big role in how we move through the world and create connections with others, and we fool ourselves when we ignore them. One person’s fantasy is another’s trigger, and there’s room for all of it to exist next to each other.
My experience is the only true lens through which I can speak honestly, and as we get to know each other, I will continue peeling back the layers that make me who I am. I identify as a woman, although sometimes I feel a lot more like a person. I am Jewish Latinx born to immigrant parents, and I know what it is to have yachts and ski houses, and I know what it is to come home to an empty fridge. I also know that I have Abuela’s couch to crash on should my career in writing about sex not yield any lucrative results, and that is enough privilege to know that I have a lot of it. I’m queer, and it's taken me a long time to wear that word comfortably — it sits like a prickly wool shawl across my shoulders, warm, comforting, and still quite itchy. I’ve been hyperbolically sexualized since I was eleven years old, and it made me disinterested in sex for a long time. I experienced various assaults, a rape, and was molested by an uncle as an adult, an experience that still impacts every space of my life today. My career is mostly a reclamation of power that I felt I had lost, and a way to create something new when I felt destroyed.

I do not know everything, but I am deeply committed to knowing myself. I carry guilt, shame and fear, like we all do, and I know the only way to move through it is to recognize these parts of myself and make a safe space for them to exist. I love myself passionately, and this love is hard work to maintain. I do not know more than you or have all the answers for you, but I can listen and offer my advice if you want it. Ultimately, it is you who will choose what to do with it.
Whether your questions concern your relationship to yourself, or to someone else — or even to multiple partners! — send them to me at Arielle@Salon.com.
It’s lovely to meet you, dear reader, and I do hope to hear from you soon.

Sober now, and sexually lost: How do I ask for what I want in bed?

Quick backstory: I’m 29. Recovering alcoholic. Been sober 2.5 years, woot woot! Lost my virginity at 16 because all my friends had so I wanted to catch up. And so began my sexual career. Completely lost. Hooking up with damn near anyone. Nobody that cared about me and certainly nobody I cared about. Into college I went where the drinking really got started and I slept around a lot. No emotions attached. As a 29-year-old I’ve had two very short-term boyfriends, connected with both of them but spent [the] majority of the relationships stoned / drunk.
So now I am sober — YAY —  and lost sexually. I know I’ve experienced incredible sex in the past, but couldn’t tell ya exactly what makes me orgasm. Legit no clue. Started dating the sweetest lamb of a man. We’re total opposites. He grew up in a really religious household and only made out with girls for a long-ass time. He’s only had sex with five women. We’ve slept together five times now, and I am like WTF IS HAPPENING. I suggested he go down on me once and he put his face down there for all of three seconds and proceeded to say he just wanted to f**k me. Yawn. No orgasms obviously.
He thinks I am all experienced and in a way I am, yet I have no idea how to communicate to him what I want because I don’t know what I want! The incredible sex I’ve had, I’ve been so wrapped up in it, I haven’t paused to jot down any pointers for future partners.
I am so lost!!!! I was never blessed with that tight-knit group of girlfriends who’d talk about sex tips and stuff —  a few friends here and there, but I don’t know. I feel lost and alone and unsure of how to proceed.
Dear Sexy and Sober,
The past two and a half years you’ve been clearing out your path so that you can now actually see where you’re currently walking, where you’ve been walking, and where you’re walking to. Although there are still plenty of branches to chop (aren’t there always?), the beginnings of your self-reflecting practices have made your metaphorical machete sharp enough to slice through the obstacles that you perhaps once thought would be impossible to slip through.
You’re in a time of rebirth, and it’s important to remember that we’re all naked when we’re born. We’re slimy and squinty-eyed and so vulnerable. We don’t know who we are yet or what the world is, and the only way to figure out how we fit into it is by trying on different things and seeing what works.

The concept of “beginner’s mind” is one I tend to invoke in moments when I feel utterly naked and without a foundation to base my metaphorical outfit off of, and one I’m sure I will repeatedly refer back to in this column. Shunryu Suzuki, a Japanese Zen Master, popularized  Zen teachings in the States in the 1960s through his book “Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind,” and whether he coined the term or not, he did write this book, and my overly anxious, constantly imposter-syndromed brain will forever be grateful. “A mind should be an empty and ready mind, open to everything, whereas a mind full of preconceived ideas, subjective intentions, or habits is not open to things as they are,” he wrote. Basically, Suzuki talks about approaching every aspect of life as a newborn, unknowing and unbiased. The more you know, the more you tend to think you know, when truly, the one who knows the most understands they don’t know all that much in the first place.
This principle is applicable for every aspect of life, but I bring it up now because sounds like both you and your boo could benefit from it.
Your relationship with this man, and your sexual experiences with him, are brand new. Even if you’d had all the sober and intentional sex in the world before him, this experience would still be brand spanking new. There’s a bunch of really fun, added elements of newness to this particular situation that it sounds like you haven’t experienced before — like being able to be a lot more present with him than perhaps you’ve been with other partners — which makes you a lot more vulnerable than past sexy times. It probably feels kinda scary.
You’re no longer a teenager, or someone who gets high all the time — but that doesn’t mean you’re not still running away. You’ve overcome so much, but it seems like you’re still afraid of actually seeing yourself. Your real self — not the self that others project onto you, or the self that you’ve projected for so long.
Let’s pivot our attention to your mans for a moment. It sounds like he’s also swimming in unmapped waters as someone who doesn’t feel that they’ve had a wide breadth of sexual experience — even if that concept is kind of funny and made up. From what you’ve written, it actually sounds like perhaps your experiences were a lot less varied than his, as the emotional and mental state you were in was often the same throughout your sexual encounters. Sure, there may have been a rotating cast of characters, changes in scenery, and perhaps some variation of the choreography, but the storyline always started and ended the same. For the first time, you’re rewriting the story with this new partner. Meanwhile, he’s nervous about missing a beat or forgetting his lines.
The cool bit about sex and intimacy? There are no prescribed lines you have to say, or parts you have to act out, as long as you communicate (and I include consent as a necessary part of this communication). It’s a blank slate every time, even though most of us never treat it that way.
A beginner’s mind works wonders, young grasshopper, because communication during sex isn’t just about what you do or don’t like, it’s about expressing who you are and how you’re showing up to this particular moment.

It sounds like you think your partner has projected a super-sexual persona onto you — have you ever talked about how you don’t feel aligned with that perception? Do you want him to continue to see you that way, or are you ready for him to see you just as you are — the smooth and graceful bits of you, as well as the awkward and uncomfortable ones?
In terms of sexual acts, you’re beginning to communicate to your partner what you like, for example, telling him you want him to go down on you — that’s awesome that you know that works for you. However, in the anecdote you share, he goes down on you for three seconds, then proceeds to insist he wants to f**k. Sounds like perhaps there may have been some performance anxiety there on his part, and that he wanted to get to the act where he felt like he knew what he was doing. Either that, or he’s selfish in bed, which in that case, boy bye — although from the way you’ve described him and your relationship, it doesn’t seem likely as the first assumption. Of course, there could be a slew of other reasons as well, and there is no way of finding out what’s going on unless you two engage in a conversation about it.
You deserve to orgasm, and that is a human right alongside any other, but what if you took away the goal of orgasm for a second? What if instead, you both reshifted the focus of your sexual intimacy to exploring and getting to know how your bodies move together and respond to each other?
“To put the focus back into exploring touch, take turns pleasuring each other,” Louise Head, a relationship coach and certified sex educator, told Salon. “Set a timer for three minutes and begin by focusing on one partner. When time is up, switch to the other person. Do this for several rounds. As you start to feel more turned on, you can increase each partner's turn to five minutes. This exercise takes the pressure off of performance and orgasm and creates space for each partner to focus intentionally on the other partner's body,bo giving both partners practice being the giver and the receiver. Pay attention to which role feels more challenging to you!”
This is a great way to just play with each other, and take the pressure off while being present. There isn’t any destination or end goal, simply room to explore and experience the moment as something unique that has never been done before.
Now, exploring each other’s bodies and presence is wonderful, but GIRL — it’s time to take some matters into your hands — literally. Masturbate. Explore yourself. Make yourself cum. Figure out what you like and don’t like with your own hands and your own mind. Fantasize; let your dreams roam into all the weird places you never let them go before. Be present with yourself, face yourself, touch yourself. No more running away. No more being filled up by substances, experiences, and people that don’t serve you.

“Explore what feels good when you have sex with yourself,” shares Head. “Once you have a good sense of this, find a way to communicate these techniques to your partner. This might look like talking about what techniques you use on yourself, or you and your partner can take turns masturbating while the other watches, later attempting to recreate the moves on each other.”
Going back to you not having notes on the good sex you’ve had, a great practice for you would be to literally it write down —journal what you’re feeling after being physically intimate with your partner. Jot down what you liked, what you didn’t, what you were hoping to try. Have him do the same, then share it with each other. This might feel terrifying and awkward, but it will also give both of you permission to communicate exactly what’s going on. You can even use this sex journal, created specifically for this practice.
This is all brand new, remember? You’re learning to walk again, so step towards the adventure of it, the newness of it, the possibility of it — and enjoy it. Be open to learning about yourself and finding playfulness in tension and in the discomfort of being vulnerable. It can be so much fun, I promise.

Why Women Can't Have Sex Without Falling In Love

He's super annoying, but you can't stop thinking about bearing his children. Why does this happen?

I've long called it the orgasm curse—that thing that happens after great sex with a guy. He immediately goes from an insignificant satellite orbiting your universe to the goddamn sun itself. But why? He didn't even do anything that impressive. You still find him as annoying as you did an hour ago, but you can't stop thinking about bearing his children. Logically, you know this is completely nuts, but you can't seem to stop it.

A new study done at Rutgers University explored what exactly goes on in our bodies during orgasm that makes us insane.

Researchers found that our brains light up like pinball machines before, during, and after orgasm. But that's not the problem. The culprit for our mixed emotions is that pesky hormone oxytocin, the bonding and emotion hormone. Our bodies release it no matter what. There's no receptor that determines whether he's a douchebag or a long-term prospect—oxytocin doesn't discriminate.

This is an issue because guys don't experience the same post-coital confusion we do. Men's bodies primarily release dopamine after orgasm, the pleasure hormone. So biologically speaking, we got screwed. After sex, men are feeling satiated, perhaps thinking of sleep or pizza, or the next time we'll do them and we are stuck wondering whether or not we love him. Boo. Hiss.

The Sex Gap: Young Women And Orgasms

Research shows young women experience orgasm half the time their partners do.
In a recent study of young adults’ sexuality, Galinsky & Sonenstein (2011) discovered that when it comes to orgasms, men are having them a lot more often than women.
Nearly nine out of ten men in the study of 3,237 of young adults aged 19 to 25 experienced an orgasm most or all of the time. But only about 47 percent of the women in the study had an orgasm during a couple’s sexual relations.
Young women are also five times as likely as young men to have orgasms less than half the time they have sex with their partner.
The new research provides some interesting data that confirms previous research findings in this area, and sheds some additional light on young adult sexuality. There remains a sex gap not only in the enjoyment of sexual pleasure through orgasm, but also when it comes to oral sex.

The new research is based upon wave III of the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health study, which is a nationally representative study of students who were in grades 7 through 12 in the 1994-1995 school year.
The data for the present study comes from the 2001-2002 time-frame, when 20,745 students were re-interviewed for wave III. The interviews took place in the person’s home, but for the sexually-intimate questions, the subjects heard the questions through an earphone and entered the questions directly into a computer.
After filtering out people who had not been in a relationship for at least 3 months, and taking a random subset of the remaining people, the researchers collected data from 3,237 young adults. Only people in opposite-sex relationships were considered, so these findings may not generalize to other types of relationships.
The researchers noted that while sexual pleasure cannot be measured purely in terms of orgasm, receiving or giving oral sex, these three components are highly valued in American culture (for better or worse). So they argue that measuring them is a good way to measure people’s sexual enjoyment.

In addition to the researchers’ other findings, some women are simply not having orgasms very often — especially when compared to men. The study found that 9 percent of women say they experience it less than half the time during a sexual encounter with their partner, and 6.4 percent they never or almost never have one (compared to about 1 percent of men).
Who Enjoys Oral Sex?
The sex gap is apparently not affecting women’s enjoyment of receiving oral sex much, because women enjoy oral sex nearly as much as men do — 84 percent of men say they “like it very much” compared to 71 percent of women.

But women don’t like giving oral sex to men nearly as much as men enjoy giving oral sex to women (or at least say they do). Only 37 percent of women said they enjoyed “very much” giving oral sex, while nearly 61 percent of men said they did.
Nearly 10 percent of women “dislike [giving oral sex] somewhat or very much,” compared to only 4 percent of men.

Psychological Traits Connected to More Sexual Enjoyment
The researchers were also interested in understanding what kinds of psychological traits are related to people’s enjoyment of sex. Three traits stood out — autonomy, self-esteem, and empathy.
They found that autonomy and self-esteem in women were highly correlated with increased sexual enjoyment. But because of the nature of the data, they couldn’t say independent women who have high self-esteem are more likely to experience increased sexual pleasure, or whether women who have the ability to enjoy increased sexual pleasure helps them be more autonomous and have higher self-esteem.
The researchers hypothesized that this may help youth overcome barriers to sexual communication and exploration:
[... B]ecause young women face more barriers, the achievement of sexual enjoyment might do more to boost the self-esteem and feelings of autonomy of young women as compared with young men.

Empathy was also an important component associated with a healthy and enjoyable sex life:
[... F]or both men and women, empathy is associated with all three types of sexual enjoyment. This is consistent with our hypothesis that empathic individuals are more responsive to their partner’s needs and thus initiate a positive feedback cycle.
So much research is focused on dysfunction and problem areas. There are very few large, population-based studies that look at how psychological traits can be associated with positive sexual health, such as sexual pleasure. This is one of the few studies that have shed more light on young adult sexuality, and helps us better understand the gender sex gap between men and women.
Reference

Galinsky, A.M. & Sonenstein, F.L. (2011). The association between developmental assets and sexual enjoyment among emerging adults. Journal of Adolescent Health, 48, 610-615.

This article was originally published

Orgasm Without Intercourse

Do you have a "no sex" rule before marriage? Learn how to get turned on without doing the deed.
Some dating singles who are looking for true love have beliefs that prohibit sex outside of marriage. You're about to discover ways to enjoy sacred, sensual experiences and sexually bond with your love match while fully clothed.
Does that sound like a sexual fantasy?
Not if you and your love match do the sexy exercises you get in highlights of my radio interview for A Lasting Love with Dr. Janelle Alex, co-author with her husband, Rob Alex.
Hadley: Dr. Janelle and Rob, you are a married couple who help other couples experience sensual, sacred love making. Let's help dating singles whose beliefs prohibit sex outside of marriage. Tell us ways to have a sacred, sensual experience without having sexual intercourse. 

Janelle: The first thing I recommend is the YAB YUM position: One parter sits cross legged. The other partner faces them. Probably she sits in his lap, facing him and wraps her legs around his waist. Then their faces are very close together. And you start to breathe in each others breath. And look in each others eyes. This is a tantric perspective. Really do that eye gazing. It really is a powerful experience you can absolutely do fully clothed.
Another way is to simply do the eye gaze. Simply hold hands. Sit quietly together and focus on your breathing in a quiet space. Focus on each other. Do the breathing. Think about how much you love and honor your partner.
Rob: Another way is to meditate together or do some yoga together. Do some kind of physical activity, not intercourse nor sex, to get your blood flowing. See how you interact when your blood is pumping with each other.
Janelle: Another part of it is being conscious as you're active. It could be taking an amazing hike. It's about setting an intention prior to an activity, whatever it is that you're doing together.

Hadley: How do couples spice up your sex life and deepen your sexual bond?

Get the sexy exercises in the next summary of our radio conversation for "A Lasting Love." Love to travel? Meet single travelers and find your bliss in a BALI tropical vacation you'll love. Savor sacred spaces, spectacular scenery and fresh French-Mediterranean cuisine.
Swim in hidden beaches featured in Eat, Pray, Love starring Julia Roberts. Find exciting ways to connect on our luxury travel vacation that begins at www.SinglesBaliBliss.com
Get all the love and happiness you deserve,

Why Does Sex After 50 Rock? 9 Reasons From Real People Loving It

Sex after 50 is something to look forward to — unless you're already experiencing it now!
There's no doubt about it: sex after 50 rocks! But I wouldn't expect you to just take my word for it, or my sex advice, so I've asked around. Now I can say with certainty, straight from the mouths of sexually-fulfilled people over 50, that sex after 50 rocks and maybe I can inspire you to embrace the sexual advice of these experts.
They say 50 is the new 30. I say no thanks! I wouldn't want to be 30 again if you paid me. Sure, I had more energy then and I could still eat what I wanted without gaining weight. But in my 30s, I was in the middle of a divorce, raising a baby and reinventing a career. Who even remembers what sex was like then? Life was busy! Pleasure was a good night's sleep or hiring a babysitter so I could go and watch TV undisturbed at my best friend's place. So sex at 30 wasn't so great... why does sex after 50 rock?

#1 Reason Why Sex After 50 Rocks: Self-Confidence

At 50, you know yourself better than you ever did before. You have figured out who you are as a human being, what you like in life and from life. You focus on the things that are important to you. That new self-confidence equips you to live in the moment and embrace your choices — and those choices include the way you embrace sex and intimacy.
#2 Reason Why Sex After 50 Rocks: Spontaneity
Georgia just turned 50 and has been married for over 25 years. She reveals that not having kids around has opened up the spontaneity page in her marriage. She raves about spontaneity: it's the reason she and her husband have ramped up their sexual activity. "It lets you be mischievous and naughty," says Georgia. "We couples who have been married for so long know that any feeling of playfulness is welcome."
#3 Reason Why Sex After 50 Rocks: No Pressure
Robert is liberated and has discovered that sex after 50 is the most fulfilling he has ever had. "When you're younger," he says. "There's so much emphasis on the physical part of sex and so much pressure to perform, being a man. Now I've found out that lasting longer doesn't necessarily mean enjoying sex more, for you or your partner. Sex after 50 is more about connecting. Even if it's casual sex, the focus has shifted from performing to relating."

#4 Reason Why Sex After 50 Rocks: Self-Pleasure
June married young and was a virgin. At 50, she and her husband concluded that their lack of interest in sex was just the tip of a much bigger iceberg. At 51, June found herself divorced, with no understanding of sex and overwhelmed by her freedom. Sex after divorce was a nightmare. So she decided to buy some books on sexual fulfillment and experimented with self pleasure, something she had never contemplated before. Understanding herself and her sexuality opened new doors and with this new-found knowledge about herself, June began experiencing sex without guilt and as an expression of both partners' enjoyment.

#5 Reason Why Sex After 50 Rocks: No Worries
Even though George is in his mid 40s, he is dating an older woman and loves to give sexual advice to younger men. He was disappointed that all his relationships ended because he didn't want to have children, even though he was upfront about this right from the beginning. Even women who said they didn't want children ended up hearing the ticking of the biological clock. George met an older woman at a social event a few years ago and is still involved with her. The best part of their rockin' sex life together, says George, is the clarity she brings to the relationship. He believes that when procreation is no longer in the picture for a woman after 50, intimacy can take on new meaning for adult partners, leading to an astounding sex life.
#6 Reason Why Sex After 50 Rocks: Spiritual Sex
I had a long discussion with Wade about the meaning of spiritual sex. He said that spiritual sex means expressing spirituality during sex and it is this that has made his sexuality after 50 rock. Spiritual sex, says Wade, is an expression of sexuality that you can have only after you understand yourself and your partner in a profound, almost mystical, way. Being older is a requirement. Spiritual sex transcends the physical act and may not even involve sex at all. It's a way of connecting and merging souls, experiences and deep knowledge of the other person. It takes two to tango, says Wade, smiling at his own cleverness. Spiritual sex is not for the young or the faint of heart. It involves surrender and trust — definitely for people over 50.
#7 Reason Why Sex After 50 Rocks: Orgasm
Julia claims that ever since she turned 50, she can reach orgasm, even multiple times, more easily. These more fulfilling experiences are because she has become more selective in choosing her partners. Since creating boundaries around her sexual partners, the trust she places in them has allowed her to relax and be more present in her body. "I spend more time getting to know my partners now," Julia says. "And have strong boundaries about when it's time for sex in a relationship and when it's not. Before, sex happened in the early stages of getting to know someone. Now, it's postponed until after I've discovered more about my partner's personality." Because boundaries in relationships have brought Julia deeper connections, leading to more orgasms, she is definitely endorsing sex after 50.
# 8 Reason Why Sex After 50 Rocks: More Time
Dennis' sex life has definitely improved since he turned 50, simply because he has more time. A 58-year-old businessman, he says he has paid his dues working long hours and most weekends. He's now in the fortunate position of being able to prioritize and can spend more time cultivating hobbies and dating. "Having more time to pursue my interests has made me a more interesting person, including in the dating world and having more time to date has opened up a more enjoyable sex life after 50." While Dennis makes it clear that he is not willing to sacrifice his new found fulfillment in sex in favour of monogamy, he is willing to continue to invest time in his self-development.

# 9 Reason Why Sex After 50 Rocks: Clarity
"Clarity!" screams Megan with excitement even before I have a chance to finish the question. "Clarity has skyrocketed my sexual pleasure! Clarity all around. Mine, his, about who we are, what we want, where we're going. About why we want certain things. Clarity that life is short and sex after 50 is mind-blowing. "The moment I got clarity," says Megan, "my life transformed and my sex life became a lot more interesting!"
The best part about writing this article was the honesty and authenticity of the people I interviewed. They were willing to share their experiences and their sex advice so that others could understand why their sex lives had improved. It is refreshing to know that it isn't just wine that improves with age. Sex after 50 is something to look forward to — unless you're already experiencing it now!
Monica Magnetti, XOXO, Your Tango Expert - Can you ever have too much clarity? I don’t think so, and that's why I have created this free MP3 download, Being in the Present – Achieve More Clarity. This free MP3 brings you one step closer to gliding through life with ease—and even bringing sex after 50 to life!
More sex advice from YourTango:

Guess Who's Been Faking The Big O?

Hint: it's not the ladies!
When I think of "faking an orgasm," I see the image of a woman lying on her back, looking bored and possibly despondent while releasing rhythmic moaning until letting out a loud sigh. I do not, however, think of men faking it. But according to a new study, my assumptions are false: two-thirds of divorced men admit to faking orgasms.
The study, done by researchers at DatingAdvice.com, involved 1,080 men in order to better determine the effects of divorce on the libido. It found that many males faked orgasms with partners, often because they lacked emotional intimacy after such a painful and draining experience like the end of a marriage. Additionally, men between the ages of 25 to 34 were twice as likely to fake orgasms as those between the ages of 18 to 24. So, why is this the case?

The reasons aren't simple, according to M.A., internal clinical sexologist and marriage counselor and YourTango expert Dawn Michael, who says that men change as they age and not simply due to experience. "Their testosterone levels decrease and this not only changes the function of the penis but also the way they feel about sex with a partner," she says. Where a man may have once wanted a one night stand, he is now searching for a true connection with a partner.
Additionally, Michael notes, there are physical stressors that leave men unable to feel quite so secure in their sexual performances — something that can thereby affect that performance quality even further. After getting out of a long relationship, Michael says a man may have developed insecurities regarding his abilities, so "he is not able to have an orgasm from the anxiety and therefore will say that he does to get out of an embarrassing situation." Thus, faking it.

So, how can you help if this is the situation you're in? First of all: be understanding. This may be frustrating for you, but trust me, he is just as upset about it (if not more so). Second, don't stay silent on the situation. Michael says people should "be open and honest when getting into that situation ... this can also help to reduce the man's anxiety and that will help for him to relax and orgasm."
Basically, stop caring so much and your positivity may be reflected in the results!

More juicy stories from YourTango:

Hey Guys, Here's The Truth About Quickies

How hot are quickies on your hotness scale?
As a woman, I can tell you that quickies are challenging.
For me, when my lover gives me the quickie signal and I know there is time for just a bit of sex, I know it won't be enough for me. I am 100% okay with that, because he is very attentive when we have the time. (Here is what happens when we have more time—click here!)
If there are too many quickies, I owe it to myself and to him to tell him so. I know that, but it is hard for me to speak up. I don't want to hurt him, but I want to ask for more. What would you do if you were in my shoes? What would you say? Thanks for helping out, because I want sex to be great for both of us!

Speaking of which, I just had to share this piece of deliciousness that one of my writers sent to me. This is such a fantastic example of how quickly you can get your woman to say yes to more quickies. Here's what to do:

If you plan ahead just a little bit (you can do it, I know you can!) you can text her something like this and she will be much more interested in getting her hands and mouth on you—quickly!
The key is to text this to her slowly. Make her wait between messages.
Hey You....
I was just day dreaming about the next time I see you....
I can see you now. Standing there, in front of me.
My hands around the back of your neck.
A small kiss hello. Followed by an admiring smile.
You open your mouth to say something, but I give you another quick kiss.
My hands slide forward, around your neck.
My thumbs follow the outline of your chin
As they start down your chest, my fingers catch on the neckline of your blouse.

I lean in and kiss you again. This time our heads stay together.
I release the hold of the first button.

My breath, hot against your cheek
The second button releases its hold.
Your hands on my arms.
The third button is undone.
The curve of your breast catches my eyes.
(Be sure to text the last couple just as you pull into the drive.)
You can thank me later.
Love, Angel

4 Muscle Groups To Focus On If You Want *Earth-Shattering* Orgasms

Eric Amaranth, a sex life coach, tells you how to target your workout for hotter O's.
It is absolutely true that a sex life can be enjoyed regardless of the shape someone is in. My sex life coaching works for a wide range of body types. It is also true that people in better shape have certain advantages in the bedroom. This blog post will cover several of the most relevant muscle groups for both women and men plus the effect they have on your sex and orgasm quality and possibilities.
1. Abs
This muscle group is one of the most important for men or women on top. The abs are called on most to drive the pelvis during missionary and sideways missionary intercourse, which is still quite popular. Speeding up the rhythm of his thrust multiplies the effort required to keep up that pace. Slow is also great, it can contribute perfectly to big orgasms, and fast can make it feel like a blur of friction that isn't as good as the details you can feel with a slower pace.

That being said, fast has its place and specific advantages too. There are times when certain types of penetration must be done at a rapid rate based on the needs of his partner's body/genitals to reach orgasm or have the best time possible. There still other situations that have nothing to do with the receiving partner's needs and everything to do with the man expressing his overpowering desire for his partner and masculine sexual intention.
Abs also play a lesser role in many other positions because they will be recruited for most forms of thrusting. This is why I put ab workouts at the top of the list. The more crunches you can do, the more endurance you'll have, which translates into being able to thrust rapidly for a longer period of time. This is exactly what your partner may need for a favorite type of big orgasm. Triggering certain orgasms in a given person can also require specific forms of energy-intensive stimulation. If you have what it takes to trigger it, great! If not, then that's okay, but it's time to get back in the gym.
My favorite way to workout my abs is with an abs machine that allows me to up the weight over time in a precise way. After you do crunches to a certain point, curling your own body weight won't be enough for further gains. Crunches on the floor are hard on your tail bone and lower back. You also wont be able to add more weight resistance to your crunches in a way that is easy to manage for the majority of people. I've seen my most consistent gains in my abs since using a crunches machine.
2. Quads/thighs

This muscle group is equally important to abs for both women and men. Strong, developed thighs allow a woman to sit astride her man (or penetrating woman) and buck and grind for as long as she wants or needs to drive him or her or herself over the edge into a big-O. This is a popular position for indirect clitoral stimulation during intercourse which works nicely for those women with a clitoris sensitive enough to build up and orgasm from vaginal penetration, plus indirect clitoral stimulation against her partner's pelvis. Even if a woman is not sensitive enough, she can still use this position and combine other forms of direct clitoral stimulation with it.
I have a personal attraction to women with developed thighs. I call these thighs "sex engines" because besides looking sexy, driving a woman's thrusts during female superior/cowgirl is one thing they're made for. This position when done a certain way provides a unique form of stimulation to the head of the penis via her cervix.
Thighs are also important in other positions for men, as well; particularly positions with men and doing the thrusting on their knees. The usual weight training for thighs are good: squats and quad-targeting machines. On any of my weight training workouts, I follow a pattern of 10 reps at such and such weight, rest one minute, 8 at a bit higher weight, rest one minute, then a weight setting where I can do 4 to 6 reps before my muscles can lift no more. Rest for two minutes, then do 4 to 6 again. I repeat two more times and then I'm finished with that muscle group.
3. Butt

The glutes are a big deal in sex, both practically and visually. For both genders, it's simple: everyone loves to view and touch a partner's toned, attractive bum. On a practical note, the glutes do join with the abs to help give locomotion to thrusting and other hip movements. This is an opportune time to mention that one of the things I learned early on was that rocking hips are not just a male form of physical sexual expression.
I found that women also rock their hips often as their body's way of expressing the enjoyment of the sensations. I was taught that hip bobbing in women is often good to build arousal because it is sexual body language and will urge the mind to go into a more deeply aroused place. I suggest to female clients, as does my mentor, to experiment with different levels of hip bobbing and thrusting to see how it affects them and makes things better.
I've tried a number of different exercises that do work the glutes, but no exercise does it for me like a glutes machine...not even squats. Squats can't isolate the glutes like that machine can. I don't see them in every gym, but look around in yours and try it out for a month or two using the workout method I described above. Because glutes are a large muscle group, you'll see noticeable changes faster than in smaller muscle groups like the arms. Speaking of which....
4. Arms.

We all know women love men with a pair of muscled arms. It reminds me of what men lust for in breast size and shape. The visual appeal is obvious and also the strength they can exert during sex is exciting. Specifically along these lines is going back to endurance again. The stronger the arms, the more endurance they have to do manual sexual skill sets (using your hands and things held by your hands) that require higher energy output for a given partner whose sex organs need more speed and power to best facilitate specific types of intense orgasms. Not running out of juice right as she's rising up to climax was a good reason for me to get into curls and tricep work. /
I like doing standing dumbell curls for my biceps and standing cable pulldowns for my triceps. They are done with the same format as above. My decision to target first the specific muscle groups that serve me best in sex turned out to be a very good idea.
Two more things:
Google different workouts to increase breast size. You won't increase the breast tissue volume, but a bit more prominence of the pecs will improve the overall look.
I prefer sprints and then resting for a minute or two on the treadmill rather than long-distance running for cardio. That being said, throwing some cardio in there is really good, as well, for stamina during intercourse.
As always, I speak in my blog about the basics and omit a lot of details. The details are what my clients enjoy. Contact me today to schedule a complimentary 30 minute session to give my sex life coaching a try.

Go From A Purr To A Roar With These Mind-Blowing Masturbation Tips!

Go From A Purr To A Roar With These Mind-Blowing Masturbation Tips!
Learning how to masturbate is a great way to find out what turns you on and what kinds of physical touching and fantasies make you most likely to reach the big 'O'. This article from the detailed sex guides on the Bad Girl's Bible is going to show you exactly what to do for better masturbation (with your hands or toys) as well as showing you some great ways to expand your range of fantasies.

1. Getting In The Mood
The most important thing you can do if you want to be sure that you climax when masturbating is first getting in the mood. Getting in the mood is something that varies greatly from person to person.
For some, they find that all they need to do is lie down on their bed to get in the mood.

While for others, they like to drag it out by having a shower, applying some body lotion all over their body, lighting some candles, playing their favorite music and putting on something really comfortable before sitting down on a nice comfy chair.