Ideally, we’re having sex with someone with whom we’re comfortable. This comfort should include the ability to be honest about our feelings and desires, and yet when it comes to our most intimate of moments, we find ourselves straddling (no pun intended!) the fine line between what turns us on – and our fear of what will turn them off.
It’s about respect, of course – but it’s also about etiquette, and no matter how comfortable we may think we are with another person, are we comfortable enough to risk offending them? Or worse, hurting their feelings?
And perhaps, we shouldn’t be that comfortable. But if we can achieve a balance of intimacy, respect, and honesty – we can have a way deeper connection.
But a lot of us feel shy or nervous around our partners, especially when things are new, and especially when asking for things we think will hurt their feeling or make them think we are weird. This is leading to a whole lot more awkwardness – and could-be-better sex than necessary!
So, how do you tell them what you want — and what you don’t want — without offending them or feeling awkward? We consulted the experts.
Compliment
“Women want to know that they're your girl no matter what,” says Jana Davis, a therapist and life coach in private practice in Norfolk, VA. When she asks you how her jeans look on her, most likely she is really asking if you still find her sexy and desired. “When you want to spice things up in the bedroom, let her know she's still your hottie first. Tell her you've fantasized about her and doing what you would like. Chances are it is honest, and women pick up on that. You can end it with telling her how much you want to please her, and openly ask if there is something different she would like as well,” says Davis. By giving this a try, your chances of a steamy night are good. Worst-case scenario, if she is not open to the suggestion, let her know that it is okay.
Don't Fake It
Faking you are into something in order to avoid hurting someone's ego will lead to later frustration when you still are not satisfied but the newness has worn off. “Both partners owe it to the other to share the subtle differences that can skyrocket pleasure. Check your ego at the door and ask. Ask many times in the beginning. Assuming you're a dynamo just because you were for someone else isn't a good plan. Get genuinely curious about your partner and make a science of it,” says Day.
Keep It Positive
“Don't complain that they never do x, y, or z — rather, say something like this: I really liked the way you touched me the other night. I wonder what it might feel like if you did it faster (or whatever the desired outcome is you'd like),” says Jonathan Alpert, a Manhattan psychotherapist, relationship expert, and author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days. If you want to try something new, introduce it as a topic of general conversation, says Alpert. You might say something like: 'I read an article about this new sex position that looks really fun...'"
Pick Your Time
People are too sensitive and vulnerable when they are naked and open. Maybe teeter into the conversation when you are at dinner, or having drinks, and even then, keep it light and upbeat. “Being a Debbie downer isn't going to do much for your partner’s libido and ego. Men’s penises are pretty well connected to their ego. If they think they're not doing an adequate job in bed then they will start to feel bad all around. Don't place blame or accuse. People often will ask a question and unbeknownst to them, it's really an accusation,” says Alpert.
For instance he says to avoid phrases like, "Why do you always initiate sex in the morning," which really means, "I don't like morning sex.” Say what you want. Be clear and honest. Alpert says an alternative you might say, "I know you're into morning sex however, during the work week I am busy getting ready for work so would prefer to leave the morning sex for weekends and take advantage of our nights during the week."
Be Honest
The best way to let them know what you like is show it and tell it. And when that perfect “it” that really does it for you happens, let them know so they’ll stay at it. “You have to capitalize on that by telling them and caressing them in a way that encourages them to keep doing it,” says Jalaal Aleem Madyun, Life Coach and Dating Coach at JAM Life Coaching.
Never Pressure Them
"I think you need ask in a way the isn’t pressured and is respectful. Also, two lovers can benefit from agreeing beforehand to be open about what feels good and what they want and need in the bedroom,” says Doug Gustafson, a marriage and sex addiction therapist out of Denver and co-author of Amazing Intimacy.
“So, asking her to touch you a certain way could be, 'I really enjoy our sexual connection and would love it if you would touch me here or If you are open to it, wondering if we could try this?' – might be fun for both of us. Or could be, When you do that, it would feel good to have you do it this way. Proper etiquette means we don’t ask in demanding ways and we say it in a way that honors the mutuality of the shared experience you’re trying to create,” says Gustafson.
Show Them
If you aren’t quite comfortable telling them what you want yet, maybe you’ll be more eager to play some show and tell. “Tell them you want them to watch you masturbate, and do exactly what you'd like them to do to you, to yourself,” says Taylor Stokes of Free Your V. Your partner gets a sexy show, and might learn something in the process.
Offer A Trade
“Asking something like: What is something you have always wanted to try? And then telling your answer to that question and offer to do to each other one of the other's choice,” says Ellen Barnard MSSW of A Woman's Touch Sexuality Resource Center. “I particularly suggest this when a guy wants to try anal with his partner. I suggest he be open to some anal play on him as an exchange!” says Barnard.
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