I Spent A YEAR Faking Orgasms To Keep My Boyfriend Happy

I just didn’t have the heart to tell him that he truly sucked at this thing called sex.
By Adiba Nelson
I’m going to take you back in time with me.
Back to college Adiba. The Adiba who didn’t stand up for herself. The Adiba who accepted mediocre sex. The Adiba who faked the best orgasms.
I know! Who, how, and why? No really... WHY? Why would I ever?
I was 17 and thought I was gonna marry the dude. Don’t judge me. Just read.
We all remember our first time. There’s music, sometimes candlelight, and it’s usually very sweet and endearing. Or, if you are among the truly blessed, you get a bright green condom, a clumsy boyfriend, the Last of the Mohicans soundtrack, and seven minutes of blah.
Yes, I said seven minutes. And let me tell you, homeboy thought he was the man! He even went as far to follow up his so-called “performance” with karate chops and kicks, a rousing chorus from Les Miserables
 sung at the top of his still-heaving (from all the “work” he put in) lungs, and topped it off with a two-minute round of shadow boxing.
I watched all of this in shock, awe, and terror. Did he really think he just did something?
He put in seven minutes. SEVEN MINUTES!
It takes more time to boil water, but this dude was thinking he was the man!
I thought to myself, This has got to be an evil, awful, cruel joke. Then I looked at him, watching him carry on like a plucked chicken with a partially-severed head, flapping around and squawking to himself.
I just didn’t have the heart to tell him that he truly sucked at this thing called sex.
But I had to do something. I loved this boy and wanted to keep this going, because surely it was going to get better. Surely.
So, I did what any loving, caring, self-sacrificing girlfriend would do: I learned to fake it, and fake it good.Before you oooh girl, no! me, remember — I was 17.
Now, you may think faking it was easy, but it really wasn’t. It's a science which involves timing, facial expressions, (voice) pitch, and concentration. Since I loved my boyfriend, I knew that I had to endure at least another year of this sub-standard nookie. (I say a year because if he couldn’t get it together after a year, he was going to have to re-acquaint himself with Rosey Palm.)
But I had to do something — my vagina was threatening to go on strike.
Feeling bad about giving him pointers and tips, I devised a surefire plan that would keep him happy and me sane.

Hold on to your vibrators!
Here are four ways I got through a year of sandpaper-y, vagina-swelling, labia-about-to-fall-off sex:
1. Mental solitaire.
Did you know that it is possible to play solitaire in your head? You really can, but the trick is to make sure you remember where you are and what you’re doing. If you forget to give your partner a few well-timed moans and/or groans, and instead start yelling about the king of hearts... Well, you might as well pack up your birth control and economy-sized box of condoms and call it a night, because the gig's up.
True story — one time my guy had an orgasm and I didn’t notice because I was so wrapped up in my game of mental solitaire.
He asked me if I had climaxed. I told him yes, but that it was so intense I couldn't make any noise.
2. Saying his (or someone else's) name.
One time in the middle of the seven-minute marathon (it remained seven minutes for quite some time), my boyfriend actually said the three words every woman wants to hear: “Say my name!”
Go ahead, laugh if you want to. Hell, I wanted to! I couldn’t believe he had actually said those words!
Who did he think he was? He didn’t have any skills that warranted a roll call, so for shits and giggles, I screamed out, “Oh Bobby! Give it to me!” (My boyfriend’s name wasn't Bobby.)
People, don’t do this.
The marathon came to a screeching halt and a certain someone got seriously pissed. But on the upside, my seven minute nightmare became a three-minute wet dream, and I didn’t have to fake it.
This also gave me the chance to get the sweat out of my eyes. Hallelujah.
3. Solving for x.
If you’re failing your math class (as I was), it is also the perfect opportunity to do some studying in your head. You can go over formulas, theories, and various practice equations.
Don’t believe me? Watch:
[verbally]: “Oh honey! You’re making me so hot!”
[thinking]: Hot = temperature rising. Rise over run = the slope of a line.
[verbally]: “Baby! Baby!”
[thinking]: B… B! The Pythagorean theorem: A2 + B2 = C2
See, it’s really quite easy — you just have to get creative with it.
But again, as with solitaire, make sure you don’t say your thoughts out loud, because you’ll definitely be doing some serious subtraction at that point.
4. Learning Spanish (or another language).

Now, this last little trick I offer you is a goodie — you can save the money you were going to use on a language tutor!
And here’s the bonus: You can do this mental mayhem OUT LOUD (as long as your partner doesn’t speak whatever language you're practicing).
This is by far the best trick of them all, because you can get smarter and be a major turn-on at the same time.
Just put on your best Selma Hayek voice and get to conjugating verbs and forming sentences.
Por ejemplo (for example): “¡Ay Papi! ¡Quiero zapatos nuevos!”
Translation: “Oh baby! I want new shoes!
Whisper this in your partner's ear in the throes of passion. They won't know what you're saying, honey, but they will think you are beyond sexy for saying it. If you're lucky, it might speed up the process and whittle seven minutes down to three!
Now, you may think I’m being harsh, but I’m really not.
In my case, my boyfriend's’ ego was more fragile than fingernails after three hours of dish washing.
You might also think that my antics and shenanigans continued for the duration of our four-year relationship. But alas, I am living proof that there is always time for do-overs.
Approximately 15 months later (or 1,920 hours, 655,200 minutes, or 25 marathons three times a week for 15 months at seven minutes a pop), my honey finally got it together and I gleefully abandoned my game of mental solitaire.
I don’t know if he finally caught on to my tricks — you can only practice the same Spanish verbs so many times before your routine gets exposed — but let’s just say that I earned more than just my right to vote on my 18th birthday.
I earned my right to good lovin’ and mental clarity in the bedroom.I earned my right to good lovin’ and mental clarity in the bedroom.

What Your Vibrator REALLY Says About Your Personality

A woman can be defined by a good many of her possessions. One just happens to be her vibrator.
Everything I read on Salon.com suggests that men are on perilously thin ice when it comes to our usefulness. Sure, the first sex robots will be anatomically female and feature narrow, shallow-set vaginas, but in almost every other sector of life, we're on the way out (act accordingly).
Never has this been truer than when it comes to sexual stimulating devices for women. Gone are the days when Freud and his contemporaries would attach a wooden spoon to a mule on a treadmill and try to orgasm the hysteria out of some poor lady.
But now that there are a plethora of "marital aids," or sex toys, they say a lot more about their owner than just needing a helping hand getting off. Here's what your choice of vibrator says about you
 (and it's not that you're quite satiable).
You're discreet. You're probably a proud proponent of the Pareto Principle (i.e., 80 percent of your results come from 20 percent of your efforts), not to mention alliteration. While you may not generally be very quiet, you're ruthlessly efficient with your time and energy. You always put your keys in the same place.
We recommend:
Power Bullet Mini Vibrator
2. Remote-control panties

You've read Fifty Shades Of Grey in its entirety. You may have seen the midnight showing of the movie. "Love Me Like You Do" is probably a ringtone you have set for a special someone on your phone. Something about giving over control is incredibly attractive to you.
Maybe you're expected to have all the answers in your regular life and it either makes you feel stressed out or, worse, like a fraud. Maybe you just want someone else to make a few decisions in your life.
We recommend: Remote Control Vibrating Panty
3. Double-bladed dildo
You live big. But what's the point to living big if you can't take your friends for the ride? OK, maybe you don't live big, but you appreciate both reciprocity in all things and the great pleasure in sharing an identical experience with someone you really care about.
You work well with others and likely have the kind of rhythm, emotional or otherwise, that one of Usher's backup dancers would kill for. Or maybe you have a special place in your heart for Darth Maul.
We recommend: Ripple 18-Incher
4. A personal massager
You're either horrible at planning, attempting a sexual awakening completely by yourself, or have an unfathomable amount of store credit from Sharper Image. Maybe all three. The great news is that you're probably very pragmatic.
Sometimes that pragmatism comes out as pessimism, unfortunately. But all things being equal, it looks like you've finally embraced the idea that you could use more pleasure in your life and damn what the neighbors think.
We recommend: Univen Ultra-Powerful Wand Massager
5.
Giant dildo
You're a lusty individual. You work hard and you want to play hard. You deserve the best. Because your personal standards are so high, you're often disappointed with other people's efforts.
But fear not! Someone exists who will meet the level of achievement in the field of excellence which you require. You just have to be willing to give them a chance and write off small failures as growing pains.

We recommend: Master Series Giant Inflatable Dildo
6. Vibrator disguised as something else
Maybe you like having a secret. Maybe you feel like your sexuality is none of my damn business. Maybe your roommate in college had one of those fake soup cans that held weed and you thought it was cool. And maybe you do a terrible job of putting things away and don't want to be embarrassed.
In any event, your robot in disguise is your business, as is your business. You mind your Ps & Qs and let the hoi polloi air their dirty laundry in public.
We recommend: LeLuv Purple Lipstick Vibrator In Disguise
7. The Rabbit
It's basic mathematics with you, and two is better than one. You've spent a considerable amount of time figuring out what you like and what you don't. While you're not afraid of taboo, you're not particularly into defying them for the sake of defiance.
You're a cut-throat decision-maker but willing to compromise if it's the most expedient thing. While you appreciate novelty, you're just as happy to settle for tried-and-true.
We recommend: Ultimate G-Spot Hummer 16 Function
8. Anatomically identical toy
You're a completist. You don't leave movies early. You gut out things even if they're really difficult. You may even have a touch of OCD. Were you an aficionado of model miniatures, your dioramas would be the stuff of legend.
Part of your drive for excellence is guilt, but the good news for you is that you're able to derive pleasure from your dogged and persnickety nature. You may have to get used to the fact that there will probably never be enough coasters in the whole world for all the drinks set down in your vicinity.

How To Fix A Sexless Marriage (According To An Orthodox Rabbi)

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach mixes Kaballah and Tantra to help couples restore desire to their sex lives.
In this excerpt, Rabbi Schmuley Boteach tells one couple how using Tantra can help them live in a heightened state. By focusing on the moment without expectation of the end result, sexual passion can be coaxed alive (and sustained!) in a couple. Not your average rabbinical advice, but we'll take Boteach's word for it. He and his wife, Debbie, do have nine children, after all.
By the time Meg and Danny came to see me, they had not had sex
 in more than a year. Meg had put on weight, but Danny denied that was the reason he did not feel like having sex with his wife. He said he simply had not been in the mood for many months. He complained that his wife bullied him into it, made him feel guilty about not desiring her, and that just diminished his interest in her even more. He said he felt generally lethargic. It wasn't directed at his wife. He just felt uninspired, like he had no energy.
One comment he made shocked me: "If my wife continues to badger me on this sex thing, then I think I want a divorce." For her part, Meg said that her husband not touching her at night was torturing her. She felt ugly and unwanted. She wanted her husband to be intimate with her.
"We're not roommates, for goodness' sake. We're married. This is unnatural." I told them to start slow.
"Meg, don't push your husband for sex. Rather, when he comes home at night, massage his shoulders. Help him relieve tension. Do that for a few days. Then Danny, like any gentleman, you have to reciprocate. You should start by massaging your wife's shoulders.
From there the two of you can progress to lying in bed and giving each other soft sensual massages for a few minutes each night. If you feel like doing it longer, do it longer. And if you then feel like you're desiring each other more, slowly progress to more intense forms of intimacy. But only if you feel like it. But here's the catch. Do not climax. Neither of you. As it is, Danny, your libido's running on fumes. So don't let any sexual steam leak out."

They followed my advice. With a few hiccups, it began to work.
After two weeks of touching each other, Danny wanted to have sex with his wife.
They did so without climax, although both admitted it was challenging, and Danny had to leave the bed a few times to gain control. But he did it. They made it to a full week without orgasming. Sex became long and involved, lasting more than an hour each time.
Danny said that the hardest part of the exercise was that he could not sleep after sex. His body was still in a state of arousal. I said to him, "But isn't that good? Look how far you've come. A few weeks ago, you had no energy and no desire for your wife. Now, you have so much energy caused by desire for your wife that you can't even sleep!"
The long sexual encounters were good for both of them. For Meg it was great exercise, a great calorie-burner, and most importantly, great for the ego and self-esteem. She felt like her husband loved her again. For Danny, it was an awakening from the dead.
His shriveled self had begun to expand. And it wasn't only his sex life that was gradually restored, but his interest in the details of his life that has sucked his spirit out in the first-place.
Sex is the ultimate expansion of one's life—of course this occurs literally with physical arousal.
Many things in the body expand (no, I won't elaborate), but it also happens figuratively, with the arousal and expansion of one's inner life. We expand like a sponge. It is at the moment of sexual peak that we are most able to stake in all stimuli, and to take them in most fully.
Thus the slightest word from a lover can either bring us to the highest ecstatic peak, or else to the depths of emotional pain—should the word be a careless or callous one. This is often named as the cause of female "anorgasm," a woman's inability to sexually climax.
A man makes a snide remark about something strange that his lover says in the throes of passion, or the way that she looks in the throes of ecstasy, and the woman becomes completely cut off from that part of herself. She has absorbed fully and devastatingly the thoughtlessness of her lover. It can take years to recover, if ever.

5 Subtly Brilliant Ways To Make Your Wife Want Sex 1,000X MORE

How to make her sex drive even stronger than yours!
Does your woman have a lower sex drive than you? Are you always the one who initiates sex, only to get turned down virtually every time? Do you want to know how to turn it around and make her sex drive stronger than yours?
Look, stress, age and medical factors can all cause a loss of libido in women but no matter what the case, you can make her sex drive a lot stronger.
Here are 5 simple tips you can use to start boosting your woman's libido and make her chase you for sex:
1. Stop being "nice" in bed
A lot of guys think that being nice in bed is the way to make women come. Obviously, I’m not suggesting that you act like a jerk in bed. What I am suggesting is that you act like a man who is turned on and wants his woman.
It turns her on to know that she’s turning you on, so much that you’re barely able to control yourself.
Now think about this… If she’s turning you on so much that you’re barely able to control yourself, would you act timid and gentle? Would you be passive and wait for her to tell you what she wants?
Hell no!
You’d grab her, throw her on the bed (without hurting her of course) and give it to her hard! When we act "nice" in bed, we repress our arousal and act "appropriate".
It butchers her attraction and makes her feel like she doesn’t turn you on. Set your arousal free and let her feel what it’s like to be with a MAN.
2. Don't wait 'til you're in bed to make her FEEL sexy and wanted
When you go to a restaurant, you get appetizers; they’re small, delicious and they leave you wanting more.

Make her crave more of you at random times with small, delicious sexual appetizers. Grab her, pin her against the wall and give her a deep, passionate kiss. Then walk away and go on about your day.
If she’s sitting down, walk up behind her. Run your hands through her hair. Pull her hair back to expose her neck and kiss it for a minute or two.
Make her FEEL sexy and wanted all the time. Not just when you want some.
If you’re focused on giving her an orgasm, you’re not enjoying the moment and she knows it.
She can feel you focusing on her orgasm and because she wants to please you, she’s going place her attention on trying to have one too. But this makes it virtually impossible. Orgasm is a by product of pleasure, so focus on her pleasure and the orgasms will follow.
Stop focusing on the destination. Enjoy the ride
 and before you know it, you get there.
4. Give her something new
It’s easy to get stuck in a routine, especially when we find something that works. But women crave a variety of sexual experiences and if you’re not giving them to her, she will get bored.
You might think that changing positions a few times or varying the speed of your thrusting is "mixing it up"… it’s not.

Sometimes your girl wants to be ravenously dominated. Sometimes she wants to take control. Sometimes she wants to make sweet, passionate love and sometimes she wants to get 50 shades of hella kinky.
Make a bedroom bucket list together and take turns crossing each item off the list. One week it’s one of her fantasies and the next it’s yours.
Here’s the key: DO NOT judge her for any fantasy she shares with you. EVER! If you do, she will never open herself sexually to you again and she’ll always repress her true sexuality.
And don’t be afraid to let her in on your dirtiest desires. Even if she’s disgusted by some of them, the fact that you’re sharing them with her will make her more comfortable sharing with you.
5. Make her come more
A lot of guys can’t handle hearing this but because you’ve read this far, I know you can.
How much your woman craves sex is in direct proportion to how often you make her come. Think about it. Women can have many different types of orgasms. They can have multiple orgasms in a single session.
They can have light, playful orgasms that make her giggle and squeal and she can have deep, INTENSE orgasms that send powerful, pulsating waves of pleasure through her entire body while she’s left wondering what way is up.
The female body is able to have A LOT more sexual pleasure than ours. When you’re one of the rare guys who knows how to give it to her… she wants it ALL THE TIME!

So learn how to give her many different types of orgasms and her sex drive will skyrocket!
If you're ready to be the best she's ever had, watch Nick Hardwicks Video The 67 Ways To Make Her Come. If You're a woman and want to make your man melt, watch Nick's BlowHisMind.com Video.

Smart plate keeps weight in check

By Stefan Korshak

"Stop right there! And what about excess weight?" A Ukrainian scientist has invented a plate that needles overeaters with sharp language, as his contribution to the international war to control excess weight gain during the holiday season.

Dr Hryhory Chausovsky, a senior lecturer at Zaporizhia University, demonstrated the device at a recent Kiev press conference.

The "talking plate" is 15 centimetres in diameter and connected to a palm-sized computer. Weight sensors allow the diner to load up his plate with a fixed volume of food, and if he piles on more a recording informs the diner of his impending sin.

"Where's your willpower?" demands the plate, according to a Fakty newspaper article.

Chausovsky is already well-known in Ukraine as a leading example of a Soviet-trained scientist turning his brains and imagination to the needs of modern consumers. His by far most famous invention to date is a musical condom with a built-in motion detector, allowing sex partners to vary the music played with the intensity of their love-making.

"Modern microchip technologies offer almost unlimited possibilities for practical applications," Chausovsky said at a recent press conference.

Certainly there is variety. A person embarrassed to bring a talking plate to the table could, for instance, employ a clever Chausovsky-developed belt, which monitors expansion of the wearer's stomach as the meal proceeds, and peeps a discreet alarm when maximum allowable extension has been reached.

"The idea behind this device is that we only start feeling we are full twenty minutes or more after we start eating, and in that time period it's time enough to eat two or three times the proper amount of food," Chausovsky explained. "The belt tells the wearer he has reached 'fullness' before the person's own body will tell him he is full."

Another plate is equipped with a contact sensor built in the food containment area, and a mini-synthesiser, so that each time the diner's fork or spoon strikes the plate, the plate plays music.

"If the utensil strikes are too rapid, the plate will play fast and aggressive music while if the person eats more slowly, the music will be calmer and less stressful," Chausovsky said.

"The natural human tendency to avoid stress and find calm will therefore slow down the eating process," he said.

For the really enthusiastic gourmand unable to limit himself, and interested in statistics, Chausovsky offers a lightweight arm band whose motion detector counts calories by the individual bite.

Chausovsky's anti-fat weaponry is not just for the dining room. One of the most effective devices, he said, is a simple contact magnet and recorder connected to the refrigerator door, which demands of the user every time the door is opened "Are you here because you are really hungry, or is it just your emotions?"

A more subtle approach is at work in Chausovksy's "scent-ring": the wearer puts on the jewellery, which emits a strong perfume partially masking the smell of food, and so reducing the desire to overeat, the scientist claimed.

"What's more, the pleasant scent will contribute towards your mental calm," said Dr Chausovsky.

But the hard core weapon in Chausovsky's anti-overeating arsenal is undoubtedly the "food spectacles" - a pair of tinted glasses turning the sight of even the most appetising goody, visually anyway, into something quite possibly inedible.

"Many of these devices may seem a little bit silly," Chausovsky conceded. "But overeating and excess weight are major problems in the world, and it is the job of science to develop ways to deal with society's problems."

Chausovsky said he was in the inventing business not to make money, but first to benefit people, and more generally to help Ukraine's often-unemployed engineering students adapt to a modern economy.

"I don't take money for any of this, not a kopeck," he responded, when asked how much income his inventions had brought him. "When I invented the musical condom I had people from Canada, Israel, and even Germany get in touch with me, but there were no offers from serious companies."

"Developing these devices is pretty simple, they are based on cheap materials available anywhere," he said. "My goal is to teach my students how to approach common everyday problems and to come up with new technical solutions."

Other inventions developed by the Zaporizhia University Life Activities Laboratory, which Chausovsky heads, include an electric device for "making the human orgasm more youthful," a talking baby pacifier, and a machine that prevents automobile drivers from falling asleep. - Sapa-dpa

Men have biological clocks too

London - Tick, tock, tick tock. Sorry, guys, but the party's over. It's time for your mates to take you out for a beer and gently explain that time is running out.

It's time for your mom to send you a little sheaf of press cuttings and a note saying that she doesn't want to interfere, but she thought you might find the enclosed material "interesting".

It's time for your doctor to add a supplementary question to the usual inquisition on units of alcohol, along the lines of had you, er, thought, of getting a move on? It's time, in fact, for the C-word. No, not commitment, but conception.

Yes, guys, it's taken a while to unearth, but finally some research has surfaced that seems to question the God-given, age-old principle that a man's virility, loins and supercalifragilistic semen shall spring eternal.

According to a new study, men over 40 are nearly six times as likely to father autistic children as men under 30. That's autistic not as in alphabetically-sorted-record-collection and all-men-are-a-bit-aren't-they, but as in special schools, special challenges and, no doubt, special rewards - but not, I'm afraid, rewards that many people would actively embrace. Yes, men have a biological clock, too - and links between age and other disorders were not ruled out.

You see, the trouble is, you're just too picky. You want it all: the fabulous sex, the witty repartee, the cosy conversations about how you really feel.

You were holding out for a partner who was your intellectual equal, but who was also happy to share a tub of Häagen Dazs over Desperate Housewives.

Someone who was prepared to pull their weight on the domestic front, but who was always up for the theatre. That's the trouble with you career men. You want the sun, the moon and the stars, and the perfect babies, too.

Whoops, I was getting confused. I was thinking, of course, of the "career woman".

Although no precise definitions of this term exist (a woman who earns more than the national average? a woman who sometimes stays late at the office?), a good-working definition would seem to be a hard-faced bitch who violates the natural order of things - husband, children - in the relentless pursuit of her ambition.

That, at least, would seem to be the implication in the recent comments by Michael Noer, news editor of Forbes.com, who advised men to "Marry pretty women or ugly ones, short ones or tall ones, blondes or brunettes, just, whatever you do, don't marry a woman with a career".

It would also seem to be the implication in Fay Weldon's new book What Makes Women Happy.

"The 'love' of a man for a woman is protective," says the newly fey Fay, "and keeps him at home as long as she stays helpless." That, apparently, is why "high-flying women" are "so often single".

Her chief advice to such women, in a book that seems to be a peculiar rehash of Men Are From Mars is to smile nicely, fake orgasm and not eat too many eclairs.

She has found God and can, perhaps, be forgiven an autumnal lapse into nuttiness. But what you can't quite miss is the venom.

I don't know a single woman - and I know a lot of single women - who set out to be a "career woman".

Women, like men, fill their time with what's on hand. If you're fortunate enough to find true love in time for nature's deadline, you try to do it all.

If you're not, and there's urgent stuff to be done at the office, then guess who does it? Their reward, it seems, is contempt. Time, perhaps, at long last, for the Manolo Blahnik to be on the other foot. - Independent

Sex toy industry now dominated by women

More than two decades ago the notion that women sexually pleased themselves was outrageous.

Not only was it unheard of, it was unspoken of - female sexual liberation and self exploration were simply not acknowledged despite it happening behind closed doors.

Fast forward to 2017 and women are not only dominating the adult toy industry as owners, but as users of products as well.

“Back in the days when I started in the field of sexology pre-apartheid, the notion of female masturbation didn’t exist. It is quite revolutionary how women have claimed their sexuality and the sex toy sales really affirm that women are proudly buying these products,” clinical sexologist Dr Marlene Wasserman, popularly known as Dr Eve, explained.

“Before, there was silence around female masturbation no one spoke about it publicly, whereas male masturbation was seen as ‘something men do’ and a sign of masculinity. For women, there was a lot of shame and guilt around a woman pleasing herself in that way,” she said

Adult World store chain owner Arthur Calamaras attested to this, adding, “The adult toy and pleasure industry was traditionally a male-controlled industry and mostly about men selling to men. But in the last few years, the market has gone a different direction and women are now driving the market. There are a lot of women now opening their own stores.”

Earlier this year, a survey commissioned by Desir, luxury brand for high-end adult toys, involving more than 700 respondents, revealed that the vibrator was the most sought after and bought toy among South Africans with 29% of the respondents purchasing them.

Last year, a report on the global sex toy industry released by the Statistic Brain Research Institute also showed that SA had the third-highest number of Google searches for sex toys in the world, and that the top five most popular items bought online were, in order, vibrators, rubber penises, lubrication, anal beads and penis rings.

“There are a lot of single people out there looking after themselves. We are also getting healthier and some couples are outliving each other. We’re living up until 70-80 years old and some people are still sexually active past their 70s,” Calamaras added.

“Lubrications are also a very big market. We bring in R400000 worth of lubricants every three months (in their stores).

"Also, there are far more expensive vibrators that have come out into the market than in previous years. We’ve seen women want more classier, streamlined toys like the ‘Rabbit’ and other ranges”.

The only trouble with this openness about sex toys, according to Dr Eve, “it’s created another tide” of pressure to self-please and achieve orgasm for women.

“We tend to pathologise things too much as a society. Now, if a woman doesn’t masturbate, there’s suddenly a problem with her. People want women to get edgier and edgier when so many women are already so uncomfortable with their bodies.

"I can’t stand these magazines that project women as these sexual vixens - women just want to be who they are,” Dr Eve countered.

“Masturbation is part of a woman’s health and pleasure - it shouldn’t be forced, it should be consensual,” she said.

Dr Eve has also noted a “huge shift” in her own sex toy store that has seen sales of higher-end toys drop as an emerging market of younger, black people sought more affordable access to the toys.

Fun sex is healthy sex: Why isn’t that on the curriculum?

Image: Pixabay

Damn — we forgot to teach our kids how to have fun sex.

Most news covers the sex lives of young people in terms of hookups, raunch culture, booty calls and friends with benefits. You might think that young people have it all figured out, equating sex with full-on, self-indulgent party time.

Despite my decades as a researcher studying their intimate lives, I too assumed that the first years of consensual partnered sex were pleasurable for most, but got progressively worse over time. How else to explain the high rates of sexual dysfunctions reported by adults? I was wrong.

Our research at the University of New Brunswick shows that young people (16 to 21 years) have rates of sexual problems comparable to those of adults. This is not just a matter of learning to control ejaculation timing or how best to have an orgasm. Their sex lives often start out poorly and show no improvement over time. Practice, experience and experimentation only help so much.

This project came to be after a former colleague at my university’s health centre told me that many young women complained of pain from vulvar fissures (essentially tearing) from intercourse. The standard of care is to offer lubricant, but she began to ask: Were you aroused? Was this sex you wanted? They would look at her blankly. They had been having sex without interest, arousal or desire. This type of tearing increases a young woman’s risk of STIs, but also alerted my colleague to a more deep-seated issue: Was sex wanted, fun and pleasurable?

What emerged from our first study was verified in our larger study: Low desire and satisfaction were the most common problems among young men followed by erectile problems. Trouble reaching orgasm, low satisfaction and pain were most common among young women.

Was this a select group? No. Overall, 79 per cent of young men and 84 per cent of young women (16-21 years old) reported one or more persistent and distressing problems in sexual functioning over a two-year period.

Despite what you might think from their over-exposed social media bodies, today’s youth start sex later and have fewer partners than their parents’ (and often their grandparents’) generation did. A recent U.S. national survey found that young people have sex less often than previous generations.

Did years of calamity programming in the form of “good touch/bad touch,” “no means no,” and “your condom or mine” take a toll? Perhaps that was intended as so much of our programming is designed to convince young people of the blame, pain and shame that awaits them in their sexual lives. If we really believe that young people are not supposed to be having sex (that it should just be reserved for adults in their reproductive years and no others, thank you), it might as well be unpleasant, dissatisfying or painful when young people have sex, right?

Young people are over-stressed, over-pampered and over-diagnosed. They are also under-resourced for dealing with challenges in their sexual lives. This is how a bad sex life evolves.

Damn — we forgot to teach our kids how to have fun sex.

Most news covers the sex lives of young people in terms of hookups, raunch culture, booty calls and friends with benefits. You might think that young people have it all figured out, equating sex with full-on, self-indulgent party time.

Despite my decades as a researcher studying their intimate lives, I too assumed that the first years of consensual partnered sex were pleasurable for most, but got progressively worse over time. How else to explain the high rates of sexual dysfunctions reported by adults? I was wrong.

Our research at the University of New Brunswick shows that young people (16 to 21 years) have rates of sexual problems comparable to those of adults. This is not just a matter of learning to control ejaculationtiming or how best to have an orgasm. Their sex lives often start out poorly and show no improvement over time. Practice, experience and experimentation only help so much.

This project came to be after a former colleague at my university’s health centre told me that many young women complained of pain from vulvar fissures (essentially tearing) from intercourse. The standard of care is to offer lubricant, but she began to ask: Were you aroused? Was this sex you wanted? They would look at her blankly. They had been having sex without interest, arousal or desire. This type of tearing increases a young woman’s risk of STIs, but also alerted my colleague to a more deep-seated issue: Was sex wanted, fun and pleasurable?

What emerged from our first study was verified in our larger study: Low desire and satisfaction were the most common problems among young men followed by erectile problems. Trouble reaching orgasm, low satisfaction and pain were most common among young women.

Was this a select group? No. Overall, 79 per cent of young men and 84 per cent of young women (16-21 years old) reported one or more persistent and distressing problems in sexual functioning over a two-year period.

Despite what you might think from their over-exposed social media bodies, today’s youth start sex later and have fewer partners than their parents’ (and often their grandparents’) generation did. A recent U.S. national survey found that young people have sex less often than previous generations.

Did years of calamity programming in the form of “good touch/bad touch,” “no means no,” and “your condom or mine” take a toll? Perhaps that was intended as so much of our programming is designed to convince young people of the blame, pain and shame that awaits them in their sexual lives. If we really believe that young people are not supposed to be having sex (that it should just be reserved for adults in their reproductive years and no others, thank you), it might as well be unpleasant, dissatisfying or painful when young people have sex, right?

Young people are over-stressed, over-pampered and over-diagnosed. They are also under-resourced for dealing with challenges in their sexual lives. This is how a bad sex life evolves.

Without a platform of positive communication with our youth about sexuality, and specifically about how sex unfolds and can brighten life and improve health and well-being, there is no room for them to address new challenges in the sexual realm. The World Health Organization’s alarming report of the rise of antibiotic resistant gonorrhea, for instance, will sound like another dire warning from an endless stream. Nobody is consistently motivated by threats.

We must talk to young people about how to have fun sex. This will help to offset the chances that young people struggling with problems in their sexual lives now will develop sexual dysfunctions and relationship strainthat distress so many adults. These lessons will arm them with the information and skills required to keep them safe and to seek effective solutions when problems emerge. Best of all, they will be healthier and happier now and as adults as a result.

Parents make efforts to talk to their children about sex and believe they get their messages across. Yet, their children typically report that parents fail to communicate about topics important to them, such as jealousy, heartbreak, horniness and lack of horniness. Parents’ messages are usually unidirectional lectures that emphasize avoiding, delaying and preventing. Young people dismiss these talks, especially in light of media portrayals of sex as transformative and rapturous.

Canada’s schools deliver fairly progressive sex education across the provinces. But they do not resemble the comprehensive approaches offered in countries such as The Netherlands and Switzerland. Those countries have teen pregnancy rates as low as 0.29 per cent of girls aged 15 to 19. Canada’s rate is 1.41 per cent, far higher than many European countries (such as Italy, Greece, France and Germany) but consistently lower than the United States. Thankfully.

These rates are a general metric of youth sexual health and key differences in the socialization and education of young people. They reflect the extent to which we are willing to provide a range of sexual information and skills to young people. More progressive countries reinforce messages that sex can be a positive part of our intimate lives, our sense of self, our adventures and connection. Young people in those countries have healthier and happier sexual lives. They know how to enjoy sex while preventing infections and unwanted pregnancy.

Many countries, including Canada, are swayed by a vocal minority who strongly believe that teaching young people about the positive components of sexuality will prompt unhealthy outcomes, despite all evidence to the contrary. When parents and educators fail you, and peers lack credibility, where else are you to turn?

Enter porn. Young people turn to porn to find out how things work, but what they learn is not especially helpful. Porn provides lessons in exaggerated performance, dominance and self-indulgence. The relationships are superficial and detached. Producers rely heavily on shock value and “freak” to maximize viewer arousal, distorting our understanding of what is typical or common among our peers.

Of course young people turn to porn to find out how sex happens. It’s free, easily accessible and, for the most part, private. One young man in our interviews said, “I learned a lot about what goes where, all the varieties from porn, but it’s pretty intimidating. And, I mean, they don’t look like they’re loving it, really loving it.”

Our research makes painfully clear how few messages young people have learned about how to have fun, pleasurable, satisfying sex. They may seem self-indulgent to you, but then nobody took on the task of saying, “Sex should be fun, enjoyable and a way to connect. Let’s talk about how it all works.”

Did anyone teach you these lessons? A friend and esteemed fellow researcher told me that he learned how sex worked by viewing his dad’s porn magazines. The only problem was that in his first sexual encounter he did not realize that there was movement involved.

Without a platform of positive communication with our youth about sexuality, and specifically about how sex unfolds and can brighten life and improve health and well-being, there is no room for them to address new challenges in the sexual realm. The World Health Organization’s alarming report of the rise of antibiotic resistant gonorrhea, for instance, will sound like another dire warning from an endless stream. Nobody is consistently motivated by threats.

We must talk to young people about how to have fun sex. This will help to offset the chances that young people struggling with problems in their sexual lives now will develop sexual dysfunctions and relationship strainthat distress so many adults. These lessons will arm them with the information and skills required to keep them safe and to seek effective solutions when problems emerge. Best of all, they will be healthier and happier now and as adults as a result.