
Lovemaking. Elliot D. Cohen, Ph.D., leads us on this journey of dismantling the mystery behind making love. The reality is lovemaking is quite easy. You just need to have the right intentions, an open mind, and an open heart.

Kant. Cohen evokes Immanuel Kant, a philosopher, “Sexual love makes of the loved person an Object of appetite; as soon as that appetite has been stilled, the person is cast aside as one casts away a lemon which has been sucked dry.” So your focus on your own sexual appetite can in many ways distance you from the process of lovemaking.

The language. Cohen asks you to consider the language with which you speak during sex and about sex, as it can be a make or break when it comes to lovemaking. “‘I want to feel you all over’ can be very erotic but still objectifying,” Cohen said. “‘I want to get lost inside of you’ can be both erotic and unifying."

Thoughts. Depth and intimacy are both achievable in your pursuit of lovemaking through language. “Unifying thoughts can be deeply personal and can replay in the mind’s eye moments of intimacy and solidarity,” Cohen says.

The difference. Your intentions can be selfish when it comes to sex and you can still have pretty good sex. But when it comes to lovemaking, it seems as if you need to have yourself and your partner in mind. “As distinct from mere sex, lovemaking dissolves the chasm between ‘you’ and ‘me,’” Cohen says. “The resolution, however, is not ‘us’ because ‘we’ can still be divided."

Soul. Aristotle, according to Cohen, explains lovemaking as “composed of a single soul inhabiting two modes.” Cohen continues, “In making love, your loins are mine, and mine yours. The titillations of mine are yours also, and conversely."
Make love. Your intentions need to reciprocated in order for this to work out. “The flames of love-making are quick to die when one gives oneself, body and soul, only to be turned away,” Cohen says. “Where the other seeks only a body, wanting only sex, lovemaking is squandered even if it is not (at least at first) apparent to the one attempting to make love."

Here’s a tip. Don’t ignore the foreplay! Ignoring foreplay will lead to sex quite quickly. Lovemaking requires taking a little time out of both of your days to really appreciate each other, to come together and sexually explore each other. Foreplay facilitates that exploration. A strong beginning is more likely to lead to a strong end.

Faith. Cohen uses a great analogy comparing religion and love, though one isn’t necessary for the other. He writes, “Love-making has an element of faith. If you attempt to have sex without such faith, then you will only have sex."
Similar. The same goes for relationships, interestingly enough. If you enter into relationships under the premise of pursuing something serious but have no faith that anything will grow, nothing will grow. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

Love. As far as the necessity of love, you don’t need to be in love in order to make love. Cohen does say that it is, however, helpful in facilitating the love making. “For I suspect that many people make love well before (if ever) they are actually in love,” he says.

Diversity. Mixing it up is also necessary to keep the relationship interesting. “The taste of wine is what you may crave,” Cohen says. “But sometimes one may also want a tall, cold on. So it doesn’t mean you can’t, when the mood is right, just have sex.”
Well. “To be in love is to be engaged in an activity that can be done well or not so well,” Cohen says. This is very interesting in the language of lovemaking, because if the two engaging in the sex aren’t trying for the best experience possible, the attempt will fail.

There. Also, being 100 percent present in the moment is going to help the situation along. Being together and one in that moment is the most important thing. Tune out all distractions.

You. Where do you stand? Do you prefer lovemaking or just good old plain sex? Let us know in the comments where you stand.
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