I’M NOT THAT SEXUALLY EXPERIENCED. HOW CAN I BE MORE CONFIDENT IN BED?

Everyone has anxiety about being great in bed, but when you don’t have much sexual experience that anxiety can feel sky high. For some guys, that concern about experience turns into a horrible cycle: You don't feel confident about your sexual experience, so you end up not having sex, and your experience level remains the same.

Here’s the good news: Experience is a good teacher, but you can still learn how to be great in bed without it. Here’s how.

1. PUT IT IN CONTEXT

As a sex therapist, I can tell you that just about everyone has self-confidence issues when it comes to sex—even people with a lot of experience. The insecurities are different from person to person, but they’re insecurities nonetheless. And keep in mind that many of the women you’re intimate with may be inexperienced or insecure as well. You’re certainly not alone.

2. DO YOUR RESEARCH

You can school yourself on how to have great sex without having any experience whatsoever. There are tons of articles about sexual technique. I also recommend Guide To Getting It On: Unzipped by Paul Joannides or The Big Bang by Nerve for general sex education topics like STIs and pregnancy prevention, anatomy, communication, and consent. She Comes First by Ian Kerner is a fantastic guide to the art of pleasuring a woman, and I recommend it to almost every man in my sex therapy practice. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a great book about female sexuality in general.

One caveat: Don’t get your sex education from porn! Porn is meant to be entertainment, not education. Porn sex has very little resemblance to real sex. It’s all about angles, lighting, and editing. Most of the moves you see in porn simply won’t go over well in the real world.

3. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY

One of the best things you can do to improve your confidence is to take great care of your body. Sex is a physical act. Not only do you need endurance, but you also have to feel comfortable and confident in your own skin. You already know what you should be doing—eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly. Exercise, in particular, can also have added sexual benefits, like increasing your sex drive and improving your erections and your orgasms.

Grooming is important too. Wear clothes that flatter your body and make you feel good. Get your hair cut and your beard trimmed. The better you feel about yourself and your body, the more confident you’ll feel in bed.

4. MASTURBATE

Yes, masturbation can improve your partnered sex life! Most men masturbate pretty thoughtlessly, zoning out to porn while they try to get the job done as quickly as possible. This actually serves to disconnect you from your body, and decreases your control over your erection and orgasm.

Instead, you can use masturbation to help increase your stamina. First, think of how long you’d like to last with a partner. That becomes your new masturbation session length. During that time, really pay attention to your body. Notice what it feels like when you start getting close to orgasm, and train yourself to back off when you’re on the edge.

You can also practice purposefully losing your erection, then getting it back again. This will help decrease anxiety about losing your erection with a partner.

5. GO SLOW

When you’re feeling anxious about sex, you’re more likely to rush. Lots of inexperienced men have the tendency to jump right to intercourse, but it’s so much more fun to take your time and go slow. Spend plenty of time on kissing, touching, and performing oral sex, and even slow down your physical movements. A slower pace will help dramatically decrease your anxiety levels.

Plus, keep in mind that most women feel more physical pleasure from oral sex and fingering than from intercourse, and a lot of women love being teased. She’ll appreciate your pace, too.

6. FOCUS ON HER PLEASURE

Being fantastic in bed means genuinely caring about your partner’s pleasure. It’s arguably the most important quality in a great lover. If you spend time specifically focusing on her body—taking your time with her, kissing her all over, fingering her, going down on her—you’re going to impress her way more than the guy who has a ton of experience but is selfish in bed. Plus, seeing the pleasure that you bring her will naturally help you feel more confident.

7. TREAT HER LIKE AN INDIVIDUAL

I’m all about sharing sex tips and techniques, but the reality is that every woman likes different things. No one technique is going to work for every woman. This is great news for you because it shows that experience only goes so far. We’re all beginners when we have sex with someone brand new. Try to explore her body with openness and curiosity. Pay attention to how she responds to your touch. Does she moan? Does she start breathing more heavily? Does she arch her body toward you? Don’t be afraid to ask her what she wants or likes! One super-simple way to ask for feedback is to try two different things on her, and ask her, “Do you like it better when I do this or this?”

8. KEEP IT SIMPLE

So many men overly complicate sex, especially when they’re feeling anxious. Technique is important, but you don’t need to go crazy trying out a million different things on her. The key to female orgasm is actually consistency, not complicated tongue maneuvers or finger gymnastics. Switching things up usually throws her off and distracts her. Find something simple that seems to be working for her, and stick with it. Increase your pace and pressure gradually, but stick to the same basic technique.

9. DON’T THINK OF IT AS A PERFORMANCE

One of the biggest mistakes that sexual newbies make is thinking of sex as a performance. They get overly fixated on the idea of maintaining a perfect erection, having the utmost control over their orgasms, and mastering their technique. But the truth is that no one likes feeling like they’re having sex with a robot. She doesn’t need you to perform for her like a circus animal. She wants to feel connected to you, and she wants to have fun. You can do that, even without any prior sexual experience.

10. HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

Sex is never perfect, no matter how much experience you have. Sex can be awkward, weird, and sometimes downright hilarious. You’re bound to try out a position that doesn’t work, bump foreheads, or get a cramp in your leg. Having a sense of humor is so important in those moments. If you can laugh it off, you’ll get back to the fun much faster.

Vanessa Marin is a sex therapist. Check out her online orgasm course, Finishing School.

5 SEX MOVES YOU THINK SHE LIKES, BUT DOESN'T

You’ve been around the block once or twice, and, no, we’re not talking alternate side of the street parking. We’re talking sex. You’ve done your homework, boned up on the finer points of doing the deed, and when it comes to getting busy between the sheets—or wherever your locale of choice—you can be trusted to bring it on, bring it home, and just...bring it. You’re the man. The love guru. A sexual rock star. But you know what? You might be mistaken. While you may be certain your performance is hitting all the right notes, in reality, your off-key love song can potentially get you sacked in the sack. (But always remember: all women were not created equal, especially on the playing field of sexual yays and nays. One girl's thrill is another’s What are you doing?, but cut these deal-breakers from your curriculum, and you're off to a good start.)

THE PRO

Beware being the guy who believes that having an encyclopedic education in Tantra, The Kama Sutra, and the collected works of Dr. Ruth Westheimer makes you a proficient lover. A little knowledge may be a dangerous thing, but so is a lot of knowledge in the wrong hands, tongues, or other man bits, and, as everyone knows, theory and practice are two very different animals. The guy who is certain he can “give” a woman an orgasm operates on the misconception that a woman’s orgasm is his to give. It’s not. Yes, you can and should help her get there, but the long, short, thick, thin, and, yeah, just right there of it is: a woman’s climax is her own. A man so goal-oriented that he focuses solely on “pleasuring his woman” can expect to achieve the same result as one who doesn't care whether his partner gets off at all. He’s running through his checklist, and an hour of oohing and ahhing later, she’s thinking, "Are we there yet?"

THE ONE-NOTER

Ah, the clitoris: The seat of so much pleasure, and the temple to so many misconceptions. Is clitoral stimulation a good thing? Of course it is. Can there be too much of a good thing. You betcha. While the ruby pearl is a magic button, it’s certainly not the only one. Direct contact or fancy finagling down below are not givens, nor should sex necessarily begin and end “on the dot”. If your idea of foreplay is to shove a hand between her legs and have at it, don’t be surprised if she shuts down rather than lights up. Every woman has her own timing, tempo, and preferred sequence of events. Learn to read her music or you may get the hook.

THE REBEL

Porn movies are fantasies. Many things you see in them may make for fabulous wank fodder, but when going one-on-one with a real partner of the noninflatable variety, can be real deal breakers. Spanking. DP. Facials. Girl-on-girl. We’re not saying she won’t be into it, but we are saying you should broach the subject before you invite the cable guy in for a threesome and cue the cheesy soundtrack. Ironically, females are now major consumers of porn. If your amore’s amenable, try watching some together and talking about how far you're both willing to go before you bust out the sex swing.

THE SLOPPY EATER

Those who treat the vagina like hogs at a trough rarely find themselves asked back for a return engagement. Going down? Good! Enthusiasm? Great! Slobbering, snuffling, snarfling, snorting, and/or grunting? Yuck.

THE MARATHON MAN

The seven-hour myth of Sting has been debunked. Not every woman is capable of multiple orgasms, nor does she necessarily want it to go on and on and on. Sometimes, it's a far better thing for you to come than it is to attempt to make her come again—or even at all. Heresy, right? Not really. Intercourse does not have to lead to female orgasm 100% of the time. As long as it doesn’t become a recurring theme, it’s not the end of the world. Again, focus on the game rather than the score, and pleasure will be achieved. (She can always get herself off later, and if you’re nice, she may even let you watch.)

WE ASKED 20 WOMEN: WHY DO YOU FAKE AN ORGASM?

Recently we reported on researchOpens a New Window., published in the journal Sexual and Relationship Therapy, which found men fake orgasms in about 30 percent of all their sexual encounters. And not just vaginal sex, though that was the most common; guys faked an orgasm during oral and manual stimulation, too. 

The most common reasons? You want to protect your girl's self-esteem, “appear sexy” after you've had too much to drink, if you're feeling insecure about disappointing her, and to put an end to crappy sex. So, we turned the tables and asked 20 women why they put on a show in the bedroom. Eager to find out? We were.

“Sometimes, I just can't finish, and it has nothing to do with him. But I still want him to feel accomplished.” – Arianna L. 

“To make him feel good about himself or to make it stop if it’s really bad.” – Alexa P. 

“Because I feel bad, and it’s taking too long.” – Liz C. 

“Usually to make a guy feel good, but to be honest I try not to just because they’ll never learn that what they’re doing isn’t working.” – Nicole G. 

“If it’s a position that doesn’t get me off, or actually kind of hurts, I’ll fake it.” – Kirsten A.

“So he can stop trying to make me orgasm and he can finally finish.” – Danielle C. 

"It makes him get into it more and sparks more intimacy. Besides, if we go at it again shortly after, I‘m more apt to orgasm (since I’m warmed up), and he’ll be more willing for round two if he doesn’t feel defeated.” – Tara W. 

“To boostOpens a New Window. his confidence, but this is actually ridiculous because it makes guys who are bad at sex think they’re studs. We should have better bedroom communication. Everyone should be telling each other what they like, don’t like, because no two people like the same things.” – Athena L. 

“I actually have never faked one! But I can see why women would if it just wasn’t going to happen and the guy didn't understand that.” – Lauren M.

“I don’t fake orgasms because what’s the point? He doesn’t know what really works.” – Christine D.

“I don’t want him to think I can’t orgasm.” – Marie S. 

“Sometimes to be encouraging—A for effort.” - Marissa R. 

"I don't have to fake it—he's that good. But with other partners, I faked it to get it over with." – Claire R.

“I'll never fake an orgasm. If you don’t let them know they’ve failed, then they will never try hard to succeed.” – Rebecca A. 

"Sometimes I do it because I don't want to be asked if it was good." - Melissa C. 

"I don't want to hurt the guy's feelings if it sucks." - Carly G. 

"It's just taking too long." - Nickole M. 

"This is cheesy, but I like to climax at the same time as my boyfriend. Sometimes it happens naturally, and sometimes it doesn't... but he thinks it does." - Shannon W. 

"I never fake it—unless the guy is drunk. If a guy is going at me like a jackhammer, I want it to stop as quickly as possible." - Rachel M. 

"If I'm not in the right mindset, or just not in the mood, I'll fake it." - Gabrielle D. 

HOW CAN I TELL IF SHE'S FAKING HER ORGASM?

Q: I’m worried that my girlfriend is faking her orgasms. How can I tell?

A: There are some surefire signs she’s actually coming, and most of them don’t involve the audible, Oscar-worthy performance you’re probably expecting. Her face and chest will be flush, her muscles all over her body—and inside her vagina—will tense up, her eyes will close... and then she’ll release and relax.

But with that said, let’s be really honest for a second: Why do you care if she’s faking it? Think on that one for a bit. Is the issue reallythat you want to be able to tell when she’s having an orgasm and when she isn’t? Or is the larger question that you want to know if she’s sexually satisfied?

I think we give orgasms a little too much credit. Your sexual ability as a man does not hinge on how many times you’ve gotten her off, or how many of her orgasms are real. A girl can have pretty mediocre sex and still get off, or great sex and not get off. My point is, instead of spending your energy investigating the authenticity of her orgasms, why don’t you actually ask her what she likes, how she likes it, and what you could do to make her even more satisfied?

Truth be told, many women do feel pressure to start screaming like a porn star the second you start touching them (even though it takes most women, on average, 10-20 minutes to climax). That’s because their priority is often making you feel good about your performance rather than letting you in on what they want. This means that you actually have to ask a woman what she likes and what you can do better.

When you pop that question, you’re likely to get an answer “you’re great” or “nothing, it’s perfect,” or even, “I don’t know.” Why? Well for one, it can feel awkward. And second, she’s probably terrified of telling you what you could do better for fear that you’ll take the comment to mean that you’re not good at all.

Your best move is to reassure her that you really want to know. You’re not just asking because you feel like “that’s something good guys do” and you just want to check off that box. Encourage her to give you directions as you’re having sex or take control of the action and move your hands and body into the position she wants. You can also help by asking her in the heat of the moment “What do you want me to do?” Tell her you think that getting instructions while you’re having sex is hot—and that you want to know if she wants it “right there,” “like that,” “harder,” or to “slow down.”

Getting feedback on those things is much more worth your time than trying to decide if her orgasms are real. If she is faking it a lot, I doubt she’d tell you anyway. But getting her to show you what she wants is bound to help her achieve orgasms that are real in the future.

ABOUT THE HOT GIRL: Amber Madison is an author, lecturer, sex and relationship expert and dating coach. She has appeared on MTV, VH1, The Today Show, NPR, The Early Show, The Bill Cunningham Show; has been quoted in Newsweek, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, Glamour, and Cosmopolitan; and writes a dating column for The Metro.

What It’s Really Like To Have Sex With Virgo

What It’s Really Like To Have Sex With Virgo

Despite their reputations as neat freaks, Virgos aren’t above getting dirty …
Poor Virgo! They’ve also gotten a bad rap as being prudish toward sex. But just like the general prognosis for their horoscopes shows, this isn’t exactly the case.
Virgo men and women, born between August 23 and September 23, have a healthy attitude toward sex, and this might be where the misconceptions about some of their personality traits lies.
If you want to know how to have great sex with the sign whose symbol is the Virgin, you need to understand that they approach erotic acts the way they do everything else: pragmatically.
To Virgo males and females, sex is simply a necessary part of life in order to keep the body-beautiful running smoothly. It’s therapeutic, much like any other form of exercise. Plus, it’s a great tension-releaser.
Not very sexy? No, but that’s the way it is with Virgo. What you see is what you get. I wouldn’t go so far as to call sex a necessary evil, but to the practical Virgo, it is what it is.

Most of these Virgins don’t frequently get what you call “randy”; they might just look at the calendar and think, “Hey, it’s been a while… Time to flush out the pipes. Let’s do it.”
So much for pillow talk.
A host of Virgos get turned on by what might be referred to as Plain Jims and Janes: the slightly nerdy, bespectacled fellow in the next cubicle. Someone who’s simple, uncomplicated, nice.
A Virgo buddy of mine had a serious case of the hots for the local TV weather girl. To me, she was a bit on the milquetoast side and a wee bit homey, but Thomas swore “she could get nasty” just by watching the way she wielded a pointer. He pined for her endlessly and ended up marrying a gal who looked a lot like her.
Many Virgos actually prefer a basic, no-frills partner. To them, it’s just easier that way. Less maintenance, more practical.
In fact, some Virgos are like this themselves — not much to look at, but just below the surface they have a depth and intensity that is jaw-dropping. And oh-so-rewarding for those willing to peel away the succulent layers of the artichoke to get to the tasty heart.

The Blended Orgasm Can Make Sex Even More Intense

The Blended Orgasm Can Make Sex Even More Intense

All orgasms are good. But this type is ah-mazing.
What’s better than an orgasm? An orgasm with double the intensity, multiplying the amazing sensations you feel and leaving you in awe of the depth of pleasure the female body is capable of.
While a two-for-one orgasm may sound like a unicorn of a sexual experience, it’s very much a real thing. In fact, experts have dubbed it a “blended orgasm,” and any woman can achieve it. Here’s what blended Os are all about, and how to start experiencing them.
What exactly is a blended orgasm?
“A blended orgasm is one that occurs from stimulation to both the back and front of the clitoris,” Laurel Steinberg, PhD, a New York City–based clinical sexologist and relationship therapist, tells Health. “It’s a combined sensation that comes simultaneously from both ends.”
Yep, your clitoris has two ends. The clitoral glans may look small from the outside, but what you see is just the tip of the iceberg. There are over 8,000 nerve endings within the entire clitoris, most of which extends back into your body and is situated alongside the vagina.
Think of it as looking like a wishbone—with the G-spot, the dime-shaped erogenous zone about half an inch inside your vagina on the front wall—as the spot where the clitoral body splits. Touch or stroke the G-spot with a finger, toy, or penis, and you’re actually stimulating the area where the urethral sponge and the internal clitoral body split into two roots that are about four inches long, Megwyn White, sexual wellness expert and director of education at sex toy company Satisfyer, tells Health. “We refer to this area as part of the clitoral network.”
Despite all the pleasure zones down there, only 18% of women orgasm from penetration alone, according to one recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. More than 36% of women, on the other hand, said that clitoral stimulation was necessary to have an orgasm during intercourse.

12 Unconventional Ways to Have the Best Orgasm of Your Life

SHUTERSTOCK

This article was written by Eyal Matsliah and repurposed with permission fromYourTango.

Many women have issues experiencing deep, meaningful orgasms—and some don't orgasm at all. However, reaching orgasm or deepening your orgasms is something you can and should do by yourself. This is what female freedom and empowerment is about.

Here are some tips to give you stronger, deeper, much longer orgasms:

1. Masturbate daily. 

Before you expect to have orgasmic sex with another person, learn how to touch, pleasure, and love yourself. The benefits of masturbation include pleasure, deeper orgasms, independence, and empowerment.

2. Focus on internal stimulation.

Masturbation is just the beginning. It's important to bring awareness and love into your body, and internal stimulation is the key. Use a non-vibrating dildo or your fingers.

3. Go beyond the clitoris. 

A clitoral orgasm isn't bad, it's just a bit less pleasurable compared to an internal orgasm. Enjoy stimulation of your clitoris, but learn to internalize the pleasure and turn it into a whole-body orgasm.

4. Try doing deep belly breathing. 

Most people breathe into their chest instead of their belly. Deep belly breath brings more air into your lungs, more energy into your body, and more awareness to your lady business. Play with various speeds of breath and breathing only through the mouth.

5. Make continuous sounds. 

Making sounds opens the throat, relaxes the jaw, and helps you breathe deeper and longer. Making sounds actually creates pleasure, even if you feel that you're just "faking" it. Experiment with different kinds of sounds: sensual, innocent, or wild.

"Masturbation is just the beginning."

6. Tune into your hip movements. 

Learning to move your hips in various ways will create sexual arousal, pleasure, and (hopefully) an orgasm. It also increases your pleasure during sex. Experiment with back-and-forth, side-to-side, circling, shaking, and bouncing your hips. 

7. Try edging.

The idea is that by stimulating yourself and stopping right before an orgasm, you will experience an orgasmic state rather than an orgasmic peak. You might experience a deeper orgasm than you've ever had.

8. Practice doing Kegel exercises.

This is great for vaginal health and experiencing stronger orgasms. It's also a valuable exercise before and after giving birth. Make sure you completely relax those muscles. 

9. Learn to appreciate all the sensations.

See every moment or expression of pleasure — heat, tingling, pulsation, sensation, goosebumps—as a mini orgasm, an orgasmic expression, and learn to appreciate and celebrate that.

10. Let your pheromones do the work.

Women get aroused more easily when they move; men get aroused more easily when they relax. Dance or exercise for half an hour just before you masturbate or have sex. This will get you into your body. Try not to shower, because the smell, taste and pheromones of the sweat can arouse both you and your partner.

11. Put your body into a full relaxed state. 

While you're masturbating or having sex, make sure you're not tensed and stressed about needing to orgasm. Don't try to orgasm, just allow yourself to enjoy your body, the experience and the moment. Notice the sensations in your body or allow your partner to pleasure you.

12. Surrender to the pleasure. 

Ultimately, an orgasm is a moment of surrender, and deep orgasms require deep surrender. Affirm to yourself "I surrender" before, during and after a masturbation or sex session.