Secret Life. In an article on Narratively, author Erica Garza opens up about what it's like to live a secret life as an adult film addict. The countless lies and sneaking around to masturbate are just part of the problem.
Vulnerability. As Garza explains in her article, opening up about your deepest sexual desires is extremely personal and leaves you feeling quite vulnerable. Especially if your desires don't fall in the "vanilla" category.
Endless Relationships. Garza says she's always had an issue with having a higher sex drive than the partners she's been with. She states, "I've been called 'insatiable' and 'demanding' one too many times."
Sex Didn't Matter. The sex life didn't seem to make a difference in her appetite for adult films though, no matter how frequently she had a fantastic romp in the bedroom with partners over the years. She says her addiction to porn continued no matter how much she was getting in the bedroom.
Late Night Secrets. Garza says she found herself constantly searching for her favorite sex scenes online well after her partners had fallen into a deep sleep. She went into stealth mode for the late night personal pleasure sessions.
Personal Pleasure. Garza says she started noticing a problem when she would still have the desire to pleasure herself multiple times after having satisfying sex with her college boyfriend in the early years. "(He) had the high sex drive typical of most 19-year-old males. We f***ed all the time, but even still, I wanted more, something only I could give me," she wrote.
Marriage. After years of hiding her insatiable sexual appetite for personal pleasure, Garza says she made a promise to never hide that side of herself from her future husband. And then she got married.
Partners and Sharing. "He knows I've been a compulsive masturbator since I was 12-years-old. He knows about my extensive fluency in the hardcore categories of various porn sites. And that I believed, for a really long time, that my addiction made me a broken person, a disgusting person, a person unworthy of love," she wrote.
The Question. Then came the big question. He asked her one day, "What's your favorite porn scene?" She says she basically froze. I think a lot of women could probably relate to that feeling.
Judgement. It's silly to think that we can share our deepest, darkest secrets, but when it comes to sexual desires, we clam up tight. It's frightening to expose what excites us because we feel vulnerable to judgment. Yet, we can never truly be satisfied if we don't. It's silly, isn't it?
Opening Up. Garza said she debated what to say. She debated if she should tell him something "mainstream" and acceptable, or be truly honest. She remembered her promise to herself and opened up.
Her Deepest Desires. Garza opened up to her husband about her desires. Her story was something along the lines of multiple men, an abandoned building, some bondage included and that's about as much as we can share without getting in trouble.
Her Deepest Fear. In a moment of her deepest fears come true, she says her husband looked at her completely shocked and said, "I kind of wish I hadn't asked."
Tears. Garza said she felt humiliated and burst into tears before her husband grabbed her up, laughing, and asking her why she was crying. "I tried to pull the sheet completely over my head, but he pulled it back down and covered my face with apologetic kisses. He can't possibly understand why I'm crying. He can't possibly know what I've just revealed to him," she says.
The First Step. The humiliating moment was a pivotal one for their relationship. "Little did I know that describing my favorite porn scene would be the first of many future admissions that would help peel back, layer by layer, a long and exhausting history of self-loathing. Talking about my habits led me to examine them, which ultimately led to my desire for change," she said.
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